Allowing Your Child to Spend Vacation Time with the Other Parent (Case Study)
Ms. R., a Swiss citizen, is 32 years old. She has a 4-year-old son with Mr. F., a Moroccan national. They have been living apart for 2 years. Mr. F. sees his son every other weekend, without an overnight stay. Now he would like to travel to Morocco with his son for 4 weeks during the upcoming vacation to visit his family. Ms. R. is completely taken aback when Mr. F. tells her this. She has concerns about whether the father can take care of the child, given that he has only seen him every two weeks since their separation. The more she thinks about it, the more she fears that he might not return from vacation with the child.
Fears about letting one’s child go alone with an ex-partner to the ex-partner’s country of origin are more common among separated or divorced women and men who were in a binational relationship than among parents of the same national origin. What can Ms. R. do? She seeks advice at a counseling center. Together with the counselor, she reflects on the following questions: What scares me? What triggers my fears? Do I have objective evidence to support these fears? What is best for our child? Could this trip be beneficial for them? What legal considerations need to be taken into account?
Ms. R. is most afraid that the child might not be well cared for during the vacation and that Mr. F. might be planning to abduct the child. Upon closer inspection, however, she realizes that the father will not be alone with the child in Morocco, but will spend most of his time with the family. Ms. R. knows the family from previous visits they took together and knows that Mr. F.’s parents are very fond of children and would do anything for their grandson. During their conversation, she also realizes that while she was glad the child hadn’t stayed overnight with him so far, it is now time to give the father the opportunity to take on more responsibility for his son. Ms. R. also realizes that she actually welcomes the idea of her child having a connection to his father’s country of origin. Getting to know the culture of both parents can be very important for the child’s identity development. The trip could also strengthen the relationship with the father.
Frau R. wird bewusst, dass Sie selbst etwas dazu beitragen kann, um dem Vater die Möglichkeit zu bieten, Verantwortung für das Kind zu übernehmen, was sie sich ja eigentlich auch wünscht. Sie nimmt sich vor, ihrem Ex-Partner mehr Zeit mit dem Kind zuzugestehen. Die Angst, er könnte mit dem Kind in Marokko bleiben, dauert unterschwellig jedoch fort.
During counseling, she also realizes that a conversation with her child’s father could help establish a healthy foundation of trust between them for the child’s sake. However, this would require granting the father more rights and making compromises regarding their differing values and parenting philosophies. Ms. R. decides to attend counseling sessions with her ex-husband to discuss her fears and ask him what his wishes and expectations are as a father. In a joint discussion, both express their fears and wishes and discuss possible compromises. The counselor helps them keep the focus on the child at all times. Mr. F. shares that he would like to take on more responsibility and involvement in the child’s care. It is important to him that the child gets to know his home country and his family so that he can better understand his father when he handles certain aspects of life differently than Swiss people—or his mother—might. The fact that Mr. F. reacts with great surprise to Ms. R.’s fears and concerns reassures Ms. R. She realizes that, in addition to all the fears regarding the father, she is also dealing with her own fear of not seeing the child for four weeks. When she voices this, her husband suggests that he Skype with her regularly during the vacation so she knows the child is doing well. Both are relieved by their conversation and resolve to do this more often.
© frabina
